WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump on Friday announced that he alone has found a cure for every form of cancer, but instead of rejoicing Democrats took a dark, sinister tone.
“Well, well, Mr. President, what perfect timing, huh?” intoned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Oh, look…there’s an election in just a few months. How convenient.”
House Judiciary Committee chairman Jerrold Nadler agreed that Trump more than likely had the cures “months, possibly years” ago, but decided to wait until now to bolster his reelection chances.
“Time and again, this president has threatened our democracy and the Constitution by selfishly withholding societal advancements and scientific discoveries until it benefits him politically,” Nadler said. “I have no doubt that he is sitting on a coronavirus cure even as we speak but won’t announce it unless his polling numbers go down.”
Political analysts noted that Democrats are upset because realistically, they know none of their 2020 presidential candidates will be able to top a total cancer cure.
“No way Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden can top this,” one Democratic strategist who wished to remain anonymous said. “I mean, maybe you go for fixing a few ‘quality of life’ issues like allowing airline passengers to smack rowdy kids when their parents won’t, but that’s about it.”
Other strategists agreed.
“Let’s face it, Trump curing cancer was probably just a campaign issue, sure. Everyone knows that. But that’s Trump: Go big or go home.” said Jerry Schmidt of Gallup. “He wouldn’t have gotten nearly as much political mileage if he had cured something like gout.”