SAN FRANCISCO — Mayor London Breed signed a measure this week that was unanimously passed by the city council making it illegal to relieve oneself in private using indoor plumbing, because it’s only “fair” to those who have none.

“I have decreed that as long as I’m running this city, we’ll all defecate and urinate outside on our streets equally,” Breed said in a press conference.

“It has been my policy from the get-go that we’re going to end this humongous wealth gap which has existed for far too long in our wonderful city by the bay between the haves and the have-nots,” Breed continued as a homeless man stumbling behind her, but in view of the cameras, pulled down his pants, squatted, and dropped a deuce.

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“Indoor plumbing is one of the surest signs of inequality,” she said as the stench from the homeless dump wafted over the now-dwindling crowd.

Asked how she and city officials planned to enforce the new indoor plumbing ban, Breed said she had already discussed that with city waste officials.

“Easy. We’re simply going to shut off all water to dwellings with indoor plumbing. That way, if anyone does use their facilities in violation of the law, they’re going to have to live with what they’ve done,” she said.

“Frankly, this should have been done long ago,” Breed said. “It’s sad and pathetic that we’ve forced these poor, unfortunate homeless people to defecate in public while the rest of us have privacy and toilet paper. No more.”

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