White House scientists identify Nancy Pelosi as the source of the coronavirus outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House medical officials and researchers made a startling discovery today regarding the original source of the coronavirus — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

As the Trump administration worked feverishly to locate “Patient Zero,” one researcher who was reviewing the president’s 2020 State of the Union address using a special ‘virus’ filter managed to capture a startling, yet revealing photo of the carrier, Pelosi.

But now that administration health professionals have identified the cause of the U.S.-based outbreak, at least now, they say, it’s possible to implement a containment plan.

“Speaker Pelosi has been detained and is currently undergoing treatment in quarantine, that I can tell you,” President Trump said. “She claims that she had no idea she was the carrier, and while I would like to believe her, ultimately, it won’t be up to me. It’ll be up to our to medical investigators, and let me just tell you, they are top-notch, the best in the world.”

Asked if either he or Vice President Pence were angry at having had to been exposed to Pelosi so much, Trump said he wasn’t, but that other Americans certainly had a right to be.

“I mean, that’s why I had to cancel my rallies,” the president said. “Mine are so large and so well attended, if I get infected, just imagine how much more quickly the virus would spread. That would be most unfortunate, let me just tell you, and I would imagine many Americans would have a bone to pick with the Speaker, a big bone.”

As to the Speaker’s recovery, the president simply said he made sure she was receiving the best care possible.

“I mean, she’d do that for me too, right?” said the president.

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