SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH AMERICA — On a request from President Trump, Dr. Indiana Jones left the United States earlier today in search of the mystical Holy Grail of Toilet Paper with instructions to bring it back to the United States to save the country from coronavirus.
Our news crew was permitted to travel with Jones, and our cameraman managed to get a photo of the great treasure hunter and historian just as he was preparing to quickly replace the Holy Grail with a forgery, so as to keep the TP gods fooled.
Jones spoke to our crew shortly after he escaped with the grail.
“These kinds of missions are never easy, as you’ve seen if you’ve followed my career at all,” he said. “And while in the past, I was motivated by a love for historical artifacts and driven by a belief they should be in museums so that all the people can share and see them, this time it’s different.
“I am actually here on behalf of my country,” Dr. Jones continued. “It was an honor to be asked by the president to go on this retrieval mission. I always knew before that things would work out for me because I had seen the script. But there was no script this time. I was totally winging it. Worked out, though.”
As we hopped aboard the transport plane with Dr. Jones and prepared to leave this remote region of South America, the treasure hunter spoke.
“I just hope we’re not too late,” he said. “Costco’s been out of TP for a week already.”