Wall Street set to gain 100,000 points on news Walmart will be able to restock toilet paper within a year

NEW YORK — Though stocks have taken a beating in recent weeks due to concerns about the spread of coronavirus, Wall Street is poised to skyrocket 100,000 points after Walmart announced it could restock empty toilet paper shelves within a year.

T. Emmett Wilson, the head of the chain’s paper products and services division, said the objective seemed overly ambitious at first, but after crunching the numbers, he is confident Walmart can meet that deadline.

“We were like, ‘Is there really any way to do all of this within a year?’ And I was like, ‘Yes. We can do it. Let me show you how,'” Wilson told reporters. “I know, that seems like a pretty quick timeline given the massive outages of toilet paper we’ve experienced since the outbreak of this virus. But we won World War II on our industrial might, and by golly, we can win this war on toilet paper.”

Wilson said the retailer has been in constant contact with the White House and is carefully coordinating responses as shipments prepared to leave Bentonville, Ark., the chain’s headquarters.

“The president has been superb,” Wilson said. “He heaped all kinds of praise on our company for being able to meet this very tight, seemingly impossible timeline. But he knew we could do it, and obviously, Wall Street agrees.

“He told me, ‘It’ll be good to see the people being able to clean themselves up with a lot more money in their pockets, that I can tell you.'”

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