Congress votes to appropriate every dollar on the planet to fight outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have voted to vacuum up every single dollar on the planet in order to fight the coronavirus.

“We were going to settle on a large figure, about $2 trillion, but in the end we found that it was severely lacking,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said today. “We knew that to really fight the virus, though, it was going to require a lot more money. Like, all of it.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer agreed.

“New Yorkers like me know that we don’t do anything halfway,” he said. “We go big or we go home. So this new package reflects our ‘go big’ approach to battling against coronavirus. I just hope the president is on the same page as Congress and is taking this just as seriously.”

White House spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham did not say whether President Trump would sign the legislation once it arrives on his desk but she indicated he is as concerned as Congress about the virus’ spread and that he understands the only way to end the pandemic is to throw as much money as possible at it.

“The president has been asked by opposition leaders, ‘What’s the appropriate dollar amount to stop the spread of this disease?'” Grisham said. “And he has responded that while the experts differ on that, by spending every dollar in existence, surely we’ll reach that figure.”

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