VERMONT — During his daily coronavirus briefing, presumptive 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden said that he defied the normative aging process by turning 46 years old before he was 45.
“Yes, it’s true,” Biden said. “I’m the only person in the world who has managed to accomplish this, which is why I’ll make a much better president than Trump. He might be age-defying, but I can actually defy aging.
“It’s a highly specialized process that I perfected during a week-long fact-finding trek in the Amazon some years ago,” Biden continued. “You know, down there, they have the cures to everything, most of ’em just growing in trees. It’s uncanny. We should be tapping into that medicinal wealth.”
Biden noted that when he was “a professor of astrophysics at the University of Kent in Manhattan, we used those techniques to actually make rhesus monkeys live longer by skipping birthdays. Pretty amazing stuff if I say so myself.”
Asked by a viewer if he could be certain of replicating the process once in the Oval Office, Biden hesitated.
“What process?” he said.