U.S. Space Force’s first rocket launch delayed due to shortage of giant anti-viral wipes

CAPE CANAVERAL — U.S. Space Force leaders announced today that they are going to delay the service’s first rocket launch due to a shortage of giant anti-viral wipes amid the ongoing outbreak of COVID-19.

“Yes, it’s been delayed,” Space Force Gen. Mark McAllen said. “We can’t send a potentially contaminated rocket into space at the risk of infecting the galaxy. Imagine the repercussions if you can. An entire galaxy of beings we’ve yet to even meet, infected because of us. The diplomacy would be impossible at that point.”

“We had a reserve of anti-viral wipes but the president decided it would be needed by the country instead, so we had no choice but to release it to Walmart, Kroger, Costco, and HEB. Americans are suffering. And this highly specialized satellite capable of preventing World War III can wait,” McAllen continued.

Asked when he thought the launch could take place, the four-star general said that depends on when the Space Force can obtain a shipment of wipes.

“We’ll make a judgment at that point,” he said. “It takes time to clean one of these rockets, even with jumbo-sized wipes. It’s a highly technical process and it can take some time. But again, we want to get this right. We don’t want to be responsible for an intergalactic pandemic.”

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