Pharma company pledges to create self-administered vaccine that ends fear of catching coronavirus

SEDALIA, MO — A major pharmaceutical company has promised to develop a vaccine that greatly reduces irrational fear of catching the coronavirus.

“We understand that tens of millions of people are very nervous and upset thinking they might catch COVID-19, and we certainly understand those fears,” said Steve Daniels, CEO of Global Pharmaceuticals. “And we want to help alleviate those fears.

“We know that a vaccine that can cure the virus is a pipe dream at this point and probably well into the future, so the best we can hope for is to create a sort of ‘I don’t give a damn either way’ attitude among at-risk populations,” Daniels added.

“As such, we’re focusing all of our attention and resources on developing a self-administered vaccine that creates a false sense of hope and comfort. We were simply going to switch our production facilities over to manufacturing mass quantities of existing drugs and then distribute those via our street vendor division, but our legal department frowned on that,” he added.

“So we’re going with a new drug that can even be prescribed off-label for many other kinds of anxieties,” Daniels added. “Plus, we can get this to market much more quickly than a cure for coronavirus, we’re certain of that.”

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