ESPN to broadcast new quarantine competition measuring how long players can stare at walls before cracking up

NEW YORK — Sports network ESPN plans to begin broadcasting a new competitive league where self-quarantined players who stare at walls for hours on end try to outlast each other before insanity takes over.

Known as the Coronavirus Quarantine Competition, network executives say they are sure it will help revive sagging ratings following the cancellation of nearly all other professional sports leagues this year.

“We’re confident it will become a ratings bonanza,” Keith Wild, director of programming at the network, said on a conference call. “And we’re going for maximum ratings because we’re going to be broadcasting the competition simultaneously across all ESPN channels, including EPSN2, ESPN3, and ESPNU.

A college league is also set to launch.

“This is the life the country is living right now, and while most Americans are not professional wall-starers, they can relate to the competitors and that’s why we believe we’ve got a sure thing here,” Wild continued.

“Yeah, lots of guys think they can play football or baseball or had a career in high school, but deep down, they know they have as much chance of playing professionally as Tim Tebow,” Wild continued. “Wall staring until you crack up, however, is something nearly everyone can do.

“So yeah, we’re excited to get this on the air and get America back to sports again,” Wild noted. “The sooner the better. We all miss the competition as much as the beer commercials.”

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