WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced that President Trump will start holding his daily coronavirus press conferences in Latin so he can hurl insults at reporters without them understanding they’ve been insulted.
“Currently, when the president insults them in English, they immediately know he’s belittling them,” said Stephanie Grisham, the administration’s press secretary. “That’s why they get so perturbed so quickly. They see it coming.
“But by using a nearly-dead language, the president believes he can continue to zing his most vociferous press critics while stilling being able to actually get through a briefing,” Grisham said, adding that English translations of the president’s statements would be made available “eventually.”
“We all know how thin-skinned most of the blow-dried, self-important Washington Press Corps members can be,” Grisham continued. “But if they have no idea they’be been verbally assaulted by the president, then it’s pretty hard to get angry at him, blow up on live TV, and revert to asking inane, pointless questions.
“So really, the president is not only doing the press corps a solid, he’s saving lives,” she said. “He understands the insults are a distraction. Yet, he feels compelled to assail the press because they make it so easy for him to do so. By using Latin, Americans get the information they seek from the president and the press corps gets what it deserves. Everyone wins.”