Woman dies from shark attack; TV networks claim she’s ‘latest coronavirus victim’

NEWPORT NEWS, VA. — A woman surfer who was killed by a large shark earlier Monday was listed as the latest coronavirus death in the state by TV news networks.

In what many now see as a blatant attempt to drive up COVID-19 death figures in order to help authoritarian governors keep economy-killing lockdowns in place, networks added the woman to virus death counts before she could be officially listed as a shark victim.

“The moment we saw that attack, we knew it had to be COVID,” an unidentified producer at MSNBC said. “I mean, what else could it have been? No doubt the woman was exposed to coronavirus at some point, so yeah, it had to be COVID.”

“Not only that,” added another producer from CNN, “but she was obviously violating quarantine orders so, you know, what can I say?”

“No one finds this disease more tragic than we in the media do,” the first producer, who asked to be identified as an uncaring Trump administration official, continued. “So if we have an opportunity to scare people to death so they’ll comply with their government masters, we’re going to do it.”

“Our headline will be, ‘Coronvirus finds another way to kill,'” the CNN producer added. “It’ll sell. And people will believe it.”

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