Economists say U.S. consumer spending continues to defy gravity, surging yet again in August, after Americans collectively determined that happiness can be achieved by receiving exactly one additional Amazon package each day.
“Historically, people found meaning in religion, family, or community,” said Dr. Phil Brenner, an economist at Georgetown University. “Now, it’s whatever the UPS guy drops off at 3:17 p.m. on a Tuesday. Whether it’s a $9 phone stand, a 12-pack of LaCroix, or a flamethrower Elon Musk accidentally restocked, Americans are telling us: this is what joy looks like now.”
Shoppers across the country agreed. “My day was absolute trash until the little smiling arrow box showed up,” said Denver resident Lisa Morales, carefully unboxing a novelty cat wine glass she doesn’t remember ordering. “I already feel the dopamine wearing off, though, so I just hit ‘Buy Now’ on a meat thermometer shaped like Baby Yoda. Tomorrow’s package will fix everything.”
Amazon CEO Andy Jassy praised the trend, calling it a “breakthrough in the science of emotional commerce.” “We’ve always known our customers love free two-day shipping,” Jassy said. “Now we know they love the illusion that their lives are improving with each cardboard box they slice open at the kitchen counter.”
