IRELAND —In a discovery that has left climatologists simultaneously horrified and slightly bewildered, scientists announced Monday that Rosie O’Donnell’s personal emissions are now contributing measurably to climate change.
“After extensive testing, we’ve confirmed that Ms. O’Donnell produces enough flatulence in a single day to influence local weather patterns,” said Dr. Karen Winters of the National Atmospheric Research Institute. “It’s not catastrophic… yet. But the trend is concerning.”
According to reports, O’Donnell’s notorious digestive system emits gases at a frequency and volume that could, if unmitigated, increase global temperatures by 0.0001 degrees per week. While seemingly negligible, researchers warned that the long-term effects could include:
Spontaneous heat waves in Ireland
Localized rainstorms during tapings of daytime talk shows
Minor panic among nearby dogs
Rosie herself addressed the reports on social media, tweeting: “I’ve always said I was full of hot air, but I didn’t know I was literally affecting the climate! #ClimateRosie #FartPower.”
Fans have reportedly embraced the phenomenon, with some suggesting her emissions could replace fossil fuels: “Honestly, if Rosie’s farts could power a city, I’d move there tomorrow,” one admirer posted.
Environmentalists, however, are less amused. “We appreciate celebrity enthusiasm for sustainability,” said Greta Thunberg (via a very small inhaler), “but relying on human flatulence—even Rosie’s—is not a viable long-term solution.”
Meanwhile, Hollywood studios are reportedly considering new accommodations for O’Donnell, including:
Carbon-neutral filming tents
Personal windbreakers on set
Emission-tracking apps to alert crew when Rosie is “approaching critical fart levels”
By afternoon, O’Donnell’s emissions had allegedly caused a minor thunderstorm over Beverly Hills, prompting meteorologists to caution residents: “Stay indoors, keep your umbrellas handy, and maybe… avoid spicy burritos.”
In an ironic twist, climate activists are now lobbying to harness Rosie’s powers for clean energy, dubbing the project “Fart of the Future.” O’Donnell responded: “Finally, my talent is being recognized for something other than roasting celebrities. The planet may just thank me someday!”
