SEATTLE, WA — In a bold legal maneuver that has left both employees and customers foaming at the mouth, Starbucks announced this week that it is suing several of its own baristas for “unauthorized use of company attire,” alleging that the green aprons and khaki combos constitute “intellectual property” reserved strictly for corporate-approved photo ops. In otherwords, the employees didn’t have permission to wear the uniform.
“It’s like they didn’t even ask first,” said one Starbucks higher-upper.
“These employees are acting as if they can just wear the brand without paying royalties,” said Starbucks’ Chief Legal Counsel, Meredith Sparks. “Every time a barista ties that apron, they’re basically stealing from the Starbucks experience. We simply can’t allow that kind of theft to continue, especially not from the people we pay minimum wage.”
Court documents reveal Starbucks is seeking damages for “unlicensed cosplay,” noting that employees are essentially dressing up as Starbucks workers rather than being “brand partners,” as the company officially calls them.
“I thought the apron was just… the uniform,” said barista Jordan Morales, who was served papers after clocking out of his shift. “But apparently, I owe them $3,000 for brand infringement every time I steam milk. I’m not even sure I make that in a month.”
Starbucks clarified that employees can avoid legal repercussions by renting their uniforms from the company at a competitive rate of $14.99 per shift, not including cleaning fees. For an additional $7.99, workers can also license the right to say, “What’s your name for the cup?”
Corporate spokespeople insist the lawsuit is not punitive but rather a way to “protect the brand’s identity.” “We’re not suing them because they work for us,” Sparks emphasized. “We’re suing them because they’re doing it too authentically. Customers might confuse them for people who actually belong here.”
Industry analysts predict Starbucks’ next step will be to charge customers a surcharge for pronouncing their own names in-store, since “verbal self-identification is also a proprietary part of the Starbucks ordering experience.”
