Political analysts are calling this “the weirdest plot twist since Ted Cruz tried stand-up comedy,” as Antifa announced today that it will be officially merging with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).
“Look, we can’t be the only masked people roaming around Portland,” explained self-identified Antifa regional commander “Crowbar Kyle,” while sipping an oat milk latte at a press conference. “If we don’t regulate who comes onto our turf, then suddenly you’ve got outsiders setting up drum circles without permits. That’s chaos, and chaos is our brand.”
ICE officials admitted they were initially hesitant about the partnership. “We usually don’t accept recruits who exclusively wear black hoodies and shout ‘Down with the state!’” said one ICE director. “But then we realized, they already know how to set up checkpoints, they have tear gas tolerance training, and they love intimidating people at bus stops. Honestly, they fit right in.”
Antifa’s new immigration policy reportedly involves reverse gentrification sweeps. Instead of checking papers, members will scan for “bad energy” or “yuppie vibes.” Anyone deemed too “basic” will be escorted out of the country by a caravan of tricked-out Subarus.
Community reaction has been mixed. One activist expressed concern:
“On the one hand, I don’t love Antifa enforcing border policy. On the other hand, they’ve promised that deportation flights will now run on biodiesel and feature live DJ sets.”
Meanwhile, traditional ICE agents say the merger has already improved morale. “Before, we’d just chase undocumented immigrants,” said one officer. “Now, thanks to Antifa, we also get lessons on writing anarchist poetry during training sessions. It’s… honestly kind of beautiful.”
When asked about long-term goals, Antifa leadership said the ultimate plan is to abolish ICE from within. “First we join them, then we are them, then we cancel them,” explained Crowbar Kyle. “It’s like Trojan Horse, but with more Molotov cocktails.”
At press time, Antifa-ICE squads were reportedly conducting joint raids on “illegal backyard barbecues” where people were grilling with propane instead of ethically sourced charcoal.
