NEW YORK — In a stunning turn of events, Mayor Eric Adams announced he is withdrawing from the 2025 mayoral race after “finally listening to a couple of Bernie bros explain socialism at a coffee shop.”
“I always thought socialism meant waiting in line for bread,” Adams told reporters, sipping an oat-milk latte he admitted was paid for by someone else. “But then these guys with Che Guevara tote bags told me it actually means free rent, free health care, and never having to explain where all the police overtime money went. Honestly, that sounds fantastic.”
According to aides, Adams left City Hall shortly after the conversation, muttering about how much easier it would be to “just share everything equally and chill.” He was last seen Googling “How to start a worker co-op nightclub.”
Political insiders say his departure opens the race to other candidates, though Adams vowed he’ll still serve the people of New York “by leading a communal farm in Brooklyn where everyone gets free kale and maybe a DJ set.”
