SEATTLE — Starbucks announced it will close hundreds of locations nationwide after admitting that, contrary to branding claims, people simply don’t enjoy “shitwater” espresso anymore.
“Turns out, people don’t actually want a $7 cup of watery, bitter coffee with three pumps of pumpkin spice and a sad spritz of oat milk,” said CEO, holding a venti-sized iced disappointment. “Who knew?”
Industry analysts report that Starbucks’ core demographic — students, influencers, and office workers pretending to be busy — have all migrated to either locally roasted beans or instant coffee from the grocery store. “Even the name ‘shitwater’ was getting too on-the-nose,” one analyst said.
Sources indicate that store managers are using the closures as an excuse to reclaim unused barista hoodies and secretly nap in empty lobbies. Affected customers reportedly reacted with confusion, saying, “I mean… do they have Wi-Fi in Panera?”
At press time, Starbucks was reportedly exploring a rebrand, tentatively titled “Starbux: Now With Water That Actually Tastes Like Coffee.”
