WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was personally shutting down the federal government “a little early” so he could enjoy “a beautiful weekend of golf and Diet Coke.”
“Normally, shutdowns happen after a big fight in Congress, but I said, why wait?” Trump explained while standing next to a golf cart already stocked with 12-packs of soda. “We’re saving time. The government was going to close anyway, so I closed it sooner — very efficient, very businesslike. Probably the most efficient shutdown in history.”
Reporters noted that Trump signed the “closure order” with a Sharpie on the back of a Waffle House napkin before handing it to an aide. According to the document, all federal agencies are to stop work immediately “unless they are needed to keep the Diet Coke flowing.”
Critics say the move will wreak havoc on millions of federal workers. Trump dismissed the concerns, saying, “Most of them are Democrats anyway, and they could use a nice long vacation. Honestly, they should thank me. Nobody ever thanks me.”
Asked how long the shutdown might last, Trump replied: “As long as it takes to get a good back nine in. Maybe two weeks, maybe two years. Depends on the weather.”
Before leaving, Trump promised that when the government reopens, it will be “classier than ever — like the Trump Taj Mahal, but with more Diet Coke fountains.”
