EL PASO, TX — Experts are calling this the “the most backward plan since licking batteries to check if they work”, as thousands of uninsured American citizens are reportedly sneaking across the border, then sneaking back in while pretending to be undocumented immigrants in a desperate attempt to receive free health care.
“I’ve been coughing up blood for six months, and my insurance company said the cheapest plan they could offer me was $700 a month with a $10,000 deductible,” said Toledo resident Greg Martin, 47, who successfully crossed the Rio Grande in reverse last week. “So now I tell people my name is José Martinez and I don’t speak English. Boom. Free clinic, free antibiotics, no paperwork. Best healthcare plan I’ve ever had.”
Hospitals along the southern border say they’re seeing a massive surge of Americans showing up in disguise, many of whom are wearing sombreros, using fake accents, and carrying hand-drawn maps that just say ‘Mexico’ with an arrow pointing south.
“It’s a little suspicious when a guy named Chad from Nebraska shows up in a poncho and insists he’s from Guadalajara,” said El Paso nurse Ana Gutierrez. “But honestly, if it gets him treated for his kidney infection, who am I to judge?”
Policy analysts warn the trend is growing rapidly, with some U.S. citizens even paying coyotes to smuggle them into Mexico just so they can cross the border illegally on the way back. “It’s humiliating,” admitted 62-year-old Wisconsin resident Barbara Klein, who was recently spotted hiding in the trunk of a Ford Explorer with three other retirees. “But until Medicare stops telling me my cancer screenings are ‘elective’, I’m going to keep sneaking into my own damn country.”
Meanwhile, the Biden administration has responded by launching a new task force to identify fraudulent immigrants. The team’s strategy reportedly involves asking suspected fakers to name three different salsas without Googling them.
At press time, several Americans disguised as Honduran refugees were seen waiting in line for dental care, insisting their real names were “Juan,” “Also Juan,” and “Juanita.”
