WASHINGTON, D.C. — If you can’t do one thing, then do another! This bold new initiative has critics calling “the criminal justice system’s version of unplugging the Xbox when you’re losing.” Democratic leaders announced they would push legislation to ban prisons nationwide, citing the difficulty of actually following through on their previous plan to defund the police.
“For years, we’ve struggled with how to reform law enforcement,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), standing at a podium in front of a large banner that read “No Cops, No Cages, No Consequences.” “So we asked ourselves: why keep tinkering with the rules when we can just remove the entire punishment part altogether?”
The proposal, dubbed the Freedom Without Consequences Act, would immediately close all federal, state, and local prisons, releasing an estimated 1.2 million inmates back into society with nothing more than a reusable grocery tote and a coupon for half off an oat milk latte.
Democratic strategists say the move is already being marketed as a progressive win-win: violent criminals will finally be free to pursue new careers, while urban communities will benefit from a sudden influx of unlicensed tattoo artists and “freelance entrepreneurs.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries praised the plan as a “transformational leap forward.” “Why waste taxpayer money keeping people in cages,” he asked, “when we can just let them go back to their neighborhoods and politely ask them not to commit crimes anymore?”
Republicans were quick to slam the proposal, warning it would lead to total chaos. “This is insanity,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “They couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the police, so they just got rid of the entire concept of consequences. What’s next, outlawing locks because burglary statistics are depressing?”
Meanwhile, prison abolition activists celebrated outside the Capitol, chanting, “No bars, no guards, just hugs and backyard chickens!”
At press time, White House sources confirmed President Biden had not fully read the proposal but liked the idea because it reminded him of “the good old days, when Corn Pop just got a stern talking-to instead of jail time.”
