WASHINGTON—As Congress failed to reach a funding deal before the midnight deadline, the U.S. government officially shut down early Wednesday morning, sending shockwaves through federal agencies—but not through living rooms across America, where Netflix confirmed it would remain fully operational.
“Sure, the Smithsonian is closed, national parks are barricaded, and 800,000 federal workers are furloughed,” said one Washington insider, “but as long as Love Is Blind drops its new season on schedule, the republic will endure.”
Within hours of the shutdown, Google searches for “Is Netflix down?” spiked 2,000 percent, far outpacing searches for “What does a government shutdown mean?” Pollsters reported that 87% of Americans said their “primary concern” was uninterrupted streaming, while only 6% listed “functioning government” as a top priority, narrowly edging out “functional printer ink.”
Capitol Hill sources revealed frantic scenes as lawmakers tried to spin the blame game. “Democrats point fingers at Republicans, Republicans point fingers at Democrats, and meanwhile the country just wants to know if they’ll still get recommended crime documentaries at 3 a.m.,” one staffer said.
In a rare moment of unity, both parties assured the nation that no matter how long the shutdown drags on, Congress will continue to collect paychecks and binge-watch shows just like the rest of America.
Netflix, for its part, issued a statement: “We don’t care what happens in Washington. As long as the Wi-Fi is still on, The Crown will still drop on Sunday.”
