WASHINGTON—After the Senate voted down a House-passed bill to reopen the federal government, congressional leaders announced late Wednesday that the shutdown would continue, but lawmakers would simply “work from home indefinitely” to keep things running.
“Just because the Capitol is closed doesn’t mean democracy stops,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, addressing reporters via a blurry Zoom feed with a cat filter accidentally activated. “We’ll continue to legislate as best we can—mostly from our couches, in sweatpants, with our interns delivering DoorDash.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries echoed the sentiment, insisting that “remote governing” would allow Congress to be even more productive. “Instead of drafting bills, we’ll just drop passive-aggressive Slack messages blaming Republicans for everything,” he said.
Sources confirmed several lawmakers have already adapted to the new arrangement: Sen. Bernie Sanders was spotted holding hearings in his garage, Elizabeth Warren demanded to know who keeps editing her Google Docs, and Sen. Rand Paul reportedly muted himself for three hours while filibustering in his kitchen.
Meanwhile, federal employees expressed skepticism about the plan. “So, wait, I’m furloughed while my senator gets to legislate in pajamas?” asked one IRS worker, adding that her unemployment check still hadn’t arrived because “Congress is too busy arguing over whose Wi-Fi bill should be reimbursed.”
