WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Congress failing to pass a budget and the government grinding to a halt, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has announced her temporary return to bartending, only to be immediately confronted by former Speaker Nancy Pelosi demanding complimentary cocktails.
“If the government is shut down, so is my tab,” Pelosi declared while slamming her purse on the bar and ordering a double Grey Goose martini. “I didn’t survive four decades in politics to pay $12 for rail vodka like some freshman congressman.”
According to patrons, AOC nervously poured drinks for the former Speaker, who waved off the garnish and insisted on “Speaker’s privilege.” Witnesses say Pelosi also swiped a handful of maraschino cherries, citing “eminent domain.”
“This is exactly the kind of abuse of power I came here to fight against,” Ocasio-Cortez said while wiping down the counter. “But if I cut her off, she’ll probably primary me with Dianne Feinstein’s ghost.”
Meanwhile, Republicans criticized the spectacle as “yet another example of Democrats drinking America dry.” House GOP members later showed up themselves but asked for “nothing too fruity, just Bud Light in brown paper bags.”
Pelosi was last seen standing on the bar demanding “one more round for democracy,” before attempting to gavel the jukebox into order.
