WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) was swiftly rejected from a part-time job at Five Guys after managers discovered a viral photo of him placing a slice of cheese on a completely raw hamburger patty, which critics have since dubbed “Schumer Tartare.”
“Look, we’ve hired plenty of people with zero experience,” said one Five Guys hiring manager. “But the second you put cheese on raw meat, you’ve crossed a line. That’s not fast food—that’s a crime scene.”
According to witnesses, Schumer seemed genuinely confused during the interview. “I thought if you cover it with enough cheddar, the heat will just… figure itself out,” Schumer reportedly explained, insisting his technique was “innovative” and “a bipartisan solution between cooked and uncooked.”
The infamous image of Schumer’s half-assembled burger has been relentlessly mocked online, with captions like “Medium Rare? More Like CDC Rare” and “Chuck’s Cheeseborne Illness Special.”
Even his staff admitted concern. “We tried to tell him cheese goes on at the end, not as a blanket to hide the rawness,” one aide said. “But he kept saying, ‘It’s fine, it’s a New York thing.’ It is not a New York thing.”
Five Guys corporate released a statement clarifying the rejection: “We have a reputation to uphold. Customers expect juicy burgers, not government-issued salmonella.”
At press time, Schumer was reportedly filling out an application at Subway, claiming sandwiches were “easier, because the meat’s already dead.”
