LOS ANGELES—Emerging from his crypt with a bat wing stuck between his teeth, legendary rocker Ozzy Osbourne announced that he has successfully “undeaded” himself in order to personally prevent a “bad bunny” from headlining the Super Bowl halftime show.
“Sharon told me it were some kind of Bad Bunny,” said Osbourne, his voice echoing like a demon trapped inside a stadium urinal. “I’ve bitten the heads off bats, snorted ants, and survived more heroin than the U.S. Army—no rabbit’s taking my show.” Witnesses confirmed Osbourne stumbled out of the ground near Hollywood Forever Cemetery, demanded a Pepsi, and began rehearsing “Crazy Train” while his legs independently walked in opposite directions.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, visibly shaken after Ozzy crawled through his office ceiling during a press conference, tried to assure fans that the halftime slot had not officially been taken away from Bad Bunny. “Look, Ozzy Osbourne literally rose from the grave and is currently gnawing on a janitor,” Goodell said. “Legally, we may have to let him do the show. The man’s contract with Satan predates our entertainment bylaws.”
While Bad Bunny’s fans took to social media to defend his performance, Osbourne dismissed the pop star’s credentials. “What’s he gonna do, hum auto-tune at the crowd? I’ll puke blood onto the 50-yard line and make the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders chant in Latin backwards,” he snarled, before collapsing, reanimating again, and demanding that the halftime lights be turned red “so the demons can see where they’re going.”
At press time, stage crews were scrambling to reinforce the turf at Allegiant Stadium after Ozzy attempted to summon a portal to hell beneath the kicker’s tee.
Ozzy Osbourne pledged to eat the ‘bad bunny’ like a bat.
