WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Congress once again failing to pass a budget and the government shutting down, Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) has announced a bold side hustle: selling five-inch-long fake eyelashes on discount megasite Temu.
“Look, a girl’s gotta eat,” Crockett said during a livestream while holding up a pack of lashes that could double as windshield wipers. “If Kevin McCarthy can sell out his entire caucus, I can sell out a few bulk orders.”
Marketed under the brand name Crockett’s Congressional Collection, the eyelashes are advertised as “big enough to block out the sun, filibuster a bill, or sweep up small debris.” Each pair ships with a free tiny comb and a disclaimer warning customers not to attempt flight.
The product line has already gone viral on Temu, where one reviewer wrote, “I wore these to brunch and accidentally knocked over two mimosas just by blinking. 10/10 would buy again.” Another claimed they were “so heavy they qualified as a carry-on.”
Republicans wasted no time mocking the venture. “Democrats can’t balance a budget, and now they can’t balance their own eyelids,” sneered Rep. Lauren Boebert, moments before asking if she could get the lashes in camo print.
Even fellow Democrats were divided. “I admire the hustle,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “But honestly, if the shutdown drags on, I might have to start selling socialist-themed shot glasses on Etsy.”
At press time, Crockett announced her next Temu product: “Filibuster-Length Press-On Nails,” advertised as durable enough to last through a 72-hour Senate speech.
