In a move the administration is hailing as “the biggest spending cut in U.S. history,” the White House announced today that all 535 members of Congress will now be required to share a single bathroom, located in the basement of the Capitol.
“This is about fiscal responsibility,” President Trump said while unveiling a rendering of the new “Legislative Efficiency Restroom.” “No more gold-plated toilets, no more taxpayer-funded bidets for these people. One bathroom. One America. One line that stretches around the block.”
According to White House budget officials, the measure is expected to save at least $1.2 billion annually, mostly in janitorial services and “unnecessary urinal maintenance.”
Lawmakers reacted with varying degrees of panic and outrage.
“This is an assault on democracy itself,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, clutching a roll of Charmin as though it were classified intel. “Do you really expect 100 Senators to coordinate bowel movements during a filibuster?”
Meanwhile, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was already spotted outside the bathroom with a folding chair and a cooler of Michelob Ultra. “I’m treating this like deer season,” Cruz said. “You gotta stake out your spot early if you want a good flush.”
The lone bathroom, which features two stalls, one sink, and a hand dryer from 1987 that “just kind of blows air in the wrong direction,” will reportedly be guarded by Capitol Police. A lottery system is being developed to allocate bathroom breaks during late-night budget negotiations.
Critics, however, worry the plan could backfire. “If you think government gridlock is bad now, just wait until you see Mitch McConnell holding up the line for twenty minutes,” said one anonymous aide, holding their legs tightly together.