NASHVILLE, TN — In a move that has confused fans, alarmed critics, and slightly intrigued your uncle, Kid Rock has announced he is officially changing his name to “Adult Contemporary” and leaving his signature “angry beer patriot” style behind for what he calls “a smoother, more reflective yacht-rock phase.”
“I’ve been Kid Rock for over 30 years,” said the artist formerly known as Bob Ritchie, speaking from a Nashville golf course while sipping a mimosa. “But at some point, you have to admit you’re not a ‘kid’ anymore — especially when your idea of rebellion is yelling at CNN between pickleball rounds.”
Rock, now “Adult Contemporary,” revealed his upcoming album Soft Serve Patriot will blend elements of Michael McDonald, Kenny Loggins, and whatever plays at Cracker Barrel between 2 and 4 p.m. Tracks include:
Only God Knows Why (I Still Have Back Pain)
Bawitdaba (Lite)
Born Free… But In Bed by Nine
Picture (Remastered for Divorce #3)
When asked what inspired the genre switch, the artist said, “I woke up one day and realized maybe America doesn’t need another song about boats, guns, and beer. Maybe it needs a song about sensible investments and colon health.”
Fans were initially skeptical, but after previewing his new single, All Summer Lawn Care Long, many admitted it “still kinda slaps—just with a much lower heart rate.”
Kid—sorry, Adult Contemporary—also announced a summer tour titled “The Soft Rock Revolution,” featuring co-headliners Smash Mouth (or what’s left of them) and a hologram of Jimmy Buffett.
“The new me is all about peace, love, and lower cholesterol,” he added. “You can’t fight the system forever. Sometimes, you just gotta get a pontoon boat and vibe.”
Critics predict the name change will be short-lived, however, after reports surfaced that he’s already considering another rebrand — “Middle-Aged Metal” — after hearing how much fun Nickelback is having these days.
