WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that “America deserves the juiciest, most tremendous burgers in the world,” former President Donald Trump announced Saturday that he will launch an ambitious plan to import record amounts of Argentine beef, promising to “Make Burgers Great Again.”
Speaking from his Mar-a-Lago resort beside a towering grill shaped like the Oval Office, Trump said the move would “end the Biden beef crisis” and restore “strong, patriotic protein” to American dinner tables.
“Under Biden, burgers are smaller, drier, and frankly, a disaster,” Trump told supporters. “People are biting into sadness. Under me, every burger will be well-done — not by the cook, but by the deal.”
According to Trump, the plan involves negotiating “a perfect, very classy deal” with Argentine ranchers that will “save America billions” and “humiliate the cows of China.” Economists, meanwhile, say the proposal doesn’t appear to make any logistical or economic sense, but Trump insisted that “it’s going to be so easy — I’ve dealt with cows before, many of them Democrats.”
Former trade officials confirmed the plan is unlikely to lower beef prices but noted that Trump has already designed a red “MABGA” hat for the campaign — short for Make American Burgers Great Again.
At press time, sources at Mar-a-Lago reported Trump was reviewing a preliminary trade draft written in ketchup on a napkin, while aides struggled to explain that Argentina is not, in fact, a U.S. territory.
