“We can’t keep losing inventory to airstrikes,” says one frustrated cartel leader
In a shocking development on the high seas, several South American narcotics traffickers have reportedly abandoned their traditional smuggling canoes in favor of luxurious Democratic Party–owned yachts—claiming they’re “the last safe vessels left that Trump won’t blow up.”
According to sources close to the DEA, former President Donald Trump has been spending his retirement “personally patrolling the ocean” in what he calls Operation Big Boat Energy. Using what he describes as a “totally legal, privately funded navy,” Trump has allegedly been targeting “suspicious canoes” off the Florida coast with drones, bottle rockets, and what witnesses describe as “extremely patriotic fireworks.”
“I saw him yelling ‘America First!’ as he pushed the detonation button,” said one terrified fisherman. “He missed us, but I’m pretty sure a dolphin’s still deaf.”
Desperate to move product safely, cartel leaders began looking for alternative transport options—and found salvation in the most unexpected place: the docks of wealthy Democratic donors.
“Trump only blows up little boats,” explained one trafficker, who goes by the name El Pollito. “He never touches anything with a Biden sticker on it. It’s genius.”
Cartels have reportedly been renting yachts with names like Tax the Rich (But Not Me), Sea Pelosi, and The Hunter’s Laptop II to carry their goods across international waters. The DEA says the smugglers disguise their shipments as “climate change awareness parties.”
“We boarded one yacht,” said an agent. “Everyone was holding champagne glasses and talking about sustainable cocaine production.”
Trump, upon learning of the new tactic, vowed to “expand operations to include yachts, especially the ones with windmills.”
“I know those boats,” Trump told Fox & Friends. “They’re Democrat yachts. They’re full of cocaine, fake news, and probably Anthony Fauci. We’re going to blow them up—beautifully, by the way. The best explosions anyone’s ever seen.”
Meanwhile, Democratic donors have expressed outrage, insisting they have “no idea” how several metric tons of narcotics ended up aboard their vessels.
“We were just having a fundraiser for endangered manatees,” claimed one Hollywood celebrity as DEA agents hauled duffel bags off his yacht. “How was I supposed to know the manatees were full of fentanyl?”
At press time, cartel members were reportedly negotiating to buy Kamala Harris’s campaign bus, saying, “If it can survive her polling numbers, it can survive anything.”
