In a historic first, Americans have voted in a special national election to keep the government permanently shut down, citing improved mental health, reduced noise from politicians, and the fact that “nothing’s on fire for once.”
Exit polls show bipartisan agreement on one issue for the first time since the moon landing: everyone is happier when Congress is on unpaid leave.
“I didn’t realize how peaceful life could be,” said Ohio voter Tina Marks. “The IRS isn’t emailing, the DMV’s closed, and no one’s pretending to fix healthcare. I finally slept through the night.”
The Federal Election Commission, which had to briefly reopen to tally the votes, released results showing 97% of voters in favor of continuing the shutdown. The remaining 3% were identified as lobbyists, bureaucrats, and one man in D.C. who thought “shutdown” meant Netflix.
Campaign organizers behind the movement, known as “Leave It Closed 2025,” celebrated outside the Capitol by roasting marshmallows over a symbolic pile of unpaid parking tickets. “We’ve proven the system works best when it doesn’t,” said the group’s founder.
President Biden, caught off guard by the results, attempted to deliver a congratulatory speech before realizing the teleprompter wasn’t operating due to furloughed staff. “That’s democracy, folks—uh, I think,” he mumbled before wandering off toward an unplugged microphone.
Meanwhile, members of Congress have responded with horror, calling the shutdown “a national tragedy” as they were forced to experience real life for the first time in decades. Several senators were spotted wandering through Washington D.C. in confusion, asking passersby if they could “borrow a staffer.”
The economy has surprisingly improved since the shutdown began. Wall Street analysts attribute this to the simple fact that “no one in government had time to mess it up.”
At press time, Americans were preparing to hold a follow-up vote to see if they could also shut down campaign season, citing “positive early results from the first experiment.”
