AUSTIN, TX — In a press conference that began with fireworks and ended with barbecue, Texas officials announced Thursday that the Lone Star State is once again declaring independence from the United States — but, as Governor Greg Abbott emphasized, “this time, we really mean it.”
“Now, we’ve said this before,” Abbott admitted, surrounded by a dozen flags, a bald eagle, and a man in full Alamo reenactment gear. “But after watching Washington’s latest circus, we decided it’s time to stand tall, stand proud, and start printing our own money — probably with pictures of Willie Nelson and brisket on it.”
The declaration reportedly passed the Texas legislature by a vote of 175 to “Hell yeah.” Supporters outside the Capitol cheered while waving banners reading “Remember the Supply Chain” and “Come and Take My Property Taxes.”
When asked about trade relations, Abbott said the new Republic of Texas plans to “keep exporting oil, beef, and common sense,” while banning “California energy policies, New York bagels, and whatever it is Portland’s doing.”
President Trump congratulated Abbott, saying he “always knew Texas was too good for the rest of the country anyway,” while Democrats in Congress released a joint statement urging Texas to “at least keep sending us brisket.”
At press time, Texas officials were already drafting a national anthem, tentatively titled “Sweet Freedom, Y’all.”
