In a twist that even Netflix writers would reject as too absurd, former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly arrested for stealing office chairs from a federal storage facility, claiming they were “symbols of institutional imbalance.”
According to investigators, Comey was caught on security cameras loading three leather swivel chairs into the back of a hybrid SUV while whistling the Mission: Impossible theme.
When questioned by authorities, Comey allegedly said, “I wasn’t stealing , I was preserving them. These chairs have secrets. You can tell a lot about power by the lumbar support.”
Agents say the former FBI chief insisted on keeping one of the chairs for “personal investigation purposes,” describing it as “an ergonomic witness.”
Eyewitnesses reported that Comey appeared calm during the arrest, even stopping to lecture the officers about “ethical back support” and “spinal integrity in leadership.”
At the courthouse, Comey represented himself, bringing one of the stolen chairs into the courtroom as “Exhibit A.” He then refused to sit in any other chair, citing “issues of trust.”
When reporters asked if he regretted the crime, Comey responded, “Regret? No. I was simply restoring justice — one chair at a time.”
He was last seen wheeling his favorite office chair down the hallway, muttering about how “some chairs recline, others conspire.”
Officials estimate the total value of the stolen chairs at $2,100, or as Comey described it, “a small price to pay for truth and posture.”
