In a move that has sent shockwaves through the office supplies community and beyond, the Federal Bureau of Administrative Overregulation (FBAO) announced yesterday that all paperclips nationwide must now measure exactly 3.7 centimeters in length. The directive, outlined in a 73-page memo titled “Standardization and Security Enhancement of Small Metal Objects”, cites national security concerns as the driving force behind the new regulation.
From Innocuous to Imperative
According to the memo, the uniform size of paperclips is critical to preventing “cross-departmental document sabotage and unauthorized paperwave communications.” The FBAO argues that inconsistent paperclip sizes could be exploited by nefarious actors to signal covert messages within office memos.
“We cannot take chances,” said FBAO spokesperson Janet Rulemaker during a press briefing. “A paperclip that is off by even 0.1 centimeters could theoretically destabilize the entire filing system and compromise the integrity of classified paperwork. Our commitment to national security requires that we standardize even the smallest details.”
What This Means for Your Desk Drawer
Starting July 1st, any paperclip not adhering to the 3.7-centimeter mandate will be considered “non-compliant office paraphernalia” and subject to confiscation. Federal employees have been instructed to surrender their current stash of “substandard metal loops” by the end of the month or face escalating penalties, including mandatory retraining sessions titled “The Importance of Proper Paperclip Usage in Government Procedures”.
For private citizens, the new rule is less clear, with the agency stating that it “encourages voluntary compliance for the sake of nationwide cohesion and unity in stationery standards.” No word yet on how this will be enforced outside government offices, but rumor has it that an elite squad of “Clip Compliance Officers” may soon be patrolling office supply aisles at major retailers.
Backlash and Confusion
Critics have been quick to poke fun at the regulation. One anonymous government employee quipped, “I thought cybersecurity was our biggest threat, but apparently, inconsistent paperclip length is the real danger. Next, they’ll tell us to standardize staples so nobody accidentally starts a paper jam rebellion.”
Meanwhile, office supply manufacturers are scrambling to retool their production lines. An executive from ClipCo stated, “We’ll have to retrofit our machines to produce exclusively 3.7 cm paperclips. Our customers are concerned about switching costs, but we’re committed to ‘security by measurement.'”
Other Recent Absurd Regulations
This is not the first time federal agencies have introduced eyebrow-raising rules. Some highlights from recent government memos include:
- Mandatory color coding of all coffee mugs within federal offices to “improve caffeine consumption safety.” Hot pink mugs are now reserved for “high alert” days.
- Restrictions on elevator buttons, requiring each to be pressed in a “designated rhythmic sequence” to prevent “unauthorized vertical travel.”
- New guidelines for bathroom stall occupancy limits, based on an intricate formula involving square footage per user and air circulation rates.
When asked if the new paperclip standard would actually enhance security, the FBAO simply replied, “In bureaucracy, no measure is too small. If it’s measurable, it’s manageable. And if it’s manageable, it’s government-approved.”
For now, the nation’s office supply drawers will undergo a purging of the rogue paperclips. Citizens and federal workers alike are advised to measure twice and clip once.
