MLB decides all teams will play entire season under sealed glass dome in Wyoming
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball officials have decided all teams will play the entire 2020 season under the protection of a sealed glass…
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Parent-teacher conferences during pandemic homeschooling devolve into petty arguments over laundry, chores
BANGOR, MAINE — As more kids are schooled at home during the virus pandemic, parent-teacher conferences have devolved into fights over laundry, cleaning, and…
Cameras catch Mitt Romney revealing himself as Hillary Clinton during meeting with Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Unaware that cameras were still rolling during an Oval Office meeting, Mitt Romney inadvertently revealed himself to be Hillary Clinton, an…
Warren concerned Trump ‘unfairly’ withholding virus aid from people who falsified Native American heritage
BOSTON — Sen. Elizabeth Warren is calling on the Trump administration to ensure that coronavirus aid is distributed to Americans equally after learning that…
Trump administration deems makers of sex toys ‘essential businesses’ during mandatory virus self-isolation
WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services has deemed manufacturers of sex toys an “essential business” because officials say they will be…
Researchers say business failures rise substantially when customers are forbidden to patronize them
VERMILLION — A new study from the University of South Dakota finds that once governors and mayors forbid people from going to businesses, it’s…
ESPN to broadcast new quarantine competition measuring how long players can stare at walls before cracking up
NEW YORK — Sports network ESPN plans to begin broadcasting a new competitive league where self-quarantined players who stare at walls for hours on…
Trump to begin holding virus press conferences in Latin so he can insult reporters without them knowing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced that President Trump will start holding his daily coronavirus press conferences in Latin so he can hurl…
Texas governor declares day of mourning after truckload of toilet paper burns alongside road
AUSTIN — Gov. Greg Abbott ordered state flags flown at half-mast and all residents to observe a day of mourning after a semi-trailer full…
U.S. health experts believe coronavirus will burn out soon because it was ‘Made in China’
ATLANTA — Health experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention expressed a belief that the Wuhan coronavirus would soon evaporate due to…
NYC lights Empire State Building red to signify what next year’s budget will look like
NEW YORK CITY — As virus-related business closures spread in the Big Apple, city officials wanted to give taxpayers a heads-up regarding next year’s…
U.S. has built so many roundabouts that no one can get anywhere anymore: Study
BOSTON — Researchers at the National Highway Institute have discovered that the reason why U.S. productivity has fallen so dramatically in recent years is…
Woman narrowly escapes as COVID-19 morphs into massive single cell that consumes head of police officer
NEW DELHI — A young woman barely got away from a new strain of coronavirus as she witnessed it morph into a huge mass…
World Bank says global economic slowdown ‘likely’ result of ‘people making less money’
GENEVA — Officials with the World Bank announced that the dramatic decline in economic activity seen in the first quarter of 2020 is “likely”…
Pharma company pledges to create self-administered vaccine that ends fear of catching coronavirus
SEDALIA, MO — A major pharmaceutical company has promised to develop a vaccine that greatly reduces irrational fear of catching the coronavirus. “We understand…