U.S. has built so many roundabouts that no one can get anywhere anymore: Study
BOSTON — Researchers at the National Highway Institute have discovered that the reason why U.S. productivity has fallen so dramatically in recent years is…
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Woman narrowly escapes as COVID-19 morphs into massive single cell that consumes head of police officer
NEW DELHI — A young woman barely got away from a new strain of coronavirus as she witnessed it morph into a huge mass…
World Bank says global economic slowdown ‘likely’ result of ‘people making less money’
GENEVA — Officials with the World Bank announced that the dramatic decline in economic activity seen in the first quarter of 2020 is “likely”…
Pharma company pledges to create self-administered vaccine that ends fear of catching coronavirus
SEDALIA, MO — A major pharmaceutical company has promised to develop a vaccine that greatly reduces irrational fear of catching the coronavirus. “We understand…
FDA quickly approves system to decontaminate, reuse toilet paper during mass shortages
WASHINGTON — As the country reels from toilet paper shortages thanks to irrational panic buying during the virus outbreak, the FDA has cut through…
Trump to begin reopening America for business after virus outbreak in Sturgis, S.D.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced this week he wants to get the U.S. economy rolling again by opening businesses a little at a…
Mexican cartel makes huge miscalculation at border, digs smuggling tunnel to Montana
BROADUS — U.S. Border Patrol officials said they were stunned to discover that a group of Mexican cartel members attempting to elude capture seriously…
Message in bottle found off California coast warns people not to pollute oceans with bottles
MENDOCINO — A couple walking along a California beach this week found a profound message in a bottle warning people not to clog up…
Biden observes that people who’ve never gotten coronavirus before are getting it now
VERMONT — During his daily virus update briefing, presumptive 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden reminded viewers that everyone who is now getting the…
Trump orders CNN quarantined so other reporters can ask sensible questions at briefings
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has ordered all CNN journalists and correspondents quarantined during the COVID-19 outbreak so that other reporters will have a…
Couples who hold virtual weddings stay married longer living virtual lives together, say researchers
MADISON, Wis. — Couples who have engaged in virtual weddings in recent years are also more satisfied living in a virtual marriage so they…
Taliban announces they will cancel entire fighting season due to coronavirus
BAGRAM — The leader of the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan announced today that he will be suspending this year’s entire fighting season due to…
Joe Biden tells viewers during daily briefing that he turned 46 before he turned 45
VERMONT — During his daily coronavirus briefing, presumptive 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden said that he defied the normative aging process by turning…
People with disgusting body odor find it much easier to maintain social distancing: Study
MOSCOW, ID. — Researchers at the University of Idaho have discovered that for Americans with nasty body odor, it is much easier for them…
U.S. Space Force’s first rocket launch delayed due to shortage of giant anti-viral wipes
CAPE CANAVERAL — U.S. Space Force leaders announced today that they are going to delay the service’s first rocket launch due to a shortage…