FDA quickly approves system to decontaminate, reuse toilet paper during mass shortages
WASHINGTON — As the country reels from toilet paper shortages thanks to irrational panic buying during the virus outbreak, the FDA has cut through…
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Trump to begin reopening America for business after virus outbreak in Sturgis, S.D.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced this week he wants to get the U.S. economy rolling again by opening businesses a little at a…
Mexican cartel makes huge miscalculation at border, digs smuggling tunnel to Montana
BROADUS — U.S. Border Patrol officials said they were stunned to discover that a group of Mexican cartel members attempting to elude capture seriously…
Message in bottle found off California coast warns people not to pollute oceans with bottles
MENDOCINO — A couple walking along a California beach this week found a profound message in a bottle warning people not to clog up…
Biden observes that people who’ve never gotten coronavirus before are getting it now
VERMONT — During his daily virus update briefing, presumptive 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden reminded viewers that everyone who is now getting the…
Trump orders CNN quarantined so other reporters can ask sensible questions at briefings
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has ordered all CNN journalists and correspondents quarantined during the COVID-19 outbreak so that other reporters will have a…
Couples who hold virtual weddings stay married longer living virtual lives together, say researchers
MADISON, Wis. — Couples who have engaged in virtual weddings in recent years are also more satisfied living in a virtual marriage so they…
Taliban announces they will cancel entire fighting season due to coronavirus
BAGRAM — The leader of the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan announced today that he will be suspending this year’s entire fighting season due to…
Joe Biden tells viewers during daily briefing that he turned 46 before he turned 45
VERMONT — During his daily coronavirus briefing, presumptive 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden said that he defied the normative aging process by turning…
People with disgusting body odor find it much easier to maintain social distancing: Study
MOSCOW, ID. — Researchers at the University of Idaho have discovered that for Americans with nasty body odor, it is much easier for them…
U.S. Space Force’s first rocket launch delayed due to shortage of giant anti-viral wipes
CAPE CANAVERAL — U.S. Space Force leaders announced today that they are going to delay the service’s first rocket launch due to a shortage…
Strange lights over New Jersey identified as lost souls escaping New Jersey
HOBOKEN — Homeland Security officials said today that tens of thousands of lights that lit up the sky over New Jersey last night have…
Congress votes to appropriate every dollar on the planet to fight outbreak
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have voted to vacuum up every single dollar on the planet in order to fight the coronavirus.…
Study finds Americans willing to become fat slobs at home indefinitely but only if Congress feeds, clothes them
MISSOULA — A University of Montana study has concluded that most Americans are willing to allow Congress to feed and clothe them for the…
Greta Thunberg surprised she contracted coronavirus since most people go out of their way to avoid her
STOCKHOLM — Climate activist Greta Thunberg said she’s surprised she may have contracted coronavirus after discovering most people didn’t really like her and have…