Nancy Pelosi vows to give up a botox treatment to show ‘solidarity’ with laid-off U.S. workers
SAN FRANCISCO — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wants to show she’s a woman of the people during the coronavirus outbreak, when many are losing…
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Wall Street set to gain 100,000 points on news Walmart will be able to restock toilet paper within a year
NEW YORK — Though stocks have taken a beating in recent weeks due to concerns about the spread of coronavirus, Wall Street is poised…
Trump to protect older Americans from coronavirus by raising age they are more likely to catch it
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration has taken a bold measure to protect older Americans from coronavirus this week after the president issued an executive…
Biden names 12-year-old ‘tweener as his ‘running mate in waiting’
WASHINGTON — Democratic president contender Joe Biden said today he has named a young ‘tweener girl as his “running mate in waiting,” claiming he’ll…
San Fran residents weary of dodging feces on the street thank Mayor Breed for ordering them to shelter-in-place over COVID
SAN FRANCISCO — Thousands of San Fran residents took to social media to offer an outpouring of support for Mayor London Breed after she…
Tom Brady leaving New England Patriots to be a starter for cruise ship shuffleboard league
BOSTON — After 20 seasons, legendary NFL quarterback and first-round Hall of Famer Tom Brady will be leaving the New England Patriots, but instead…
White House implores Americans to stop panic-buying of Q-Tips over irrational fear of ear wax epidemic
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is asking Americans to stop panic-buying of Q-tips, saying that outsized fears of an ear wax epidemic are…
Trump asks Indiana Jones to retrieve the Holy Grail of Toilet Paper and save U.S. from coronavirus
SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH AMERICA — On a request from President Trump, Dr. Indiana Jones left the United States earlier today in search of the…
U.S. airline pilots decide to work from home as way to avoid coronavirus
PHOENIX — As a way to protect their very vital skills in a time of crisis, U.S. airline pilots announced today they will begin…
Bernie Sanders vows to remain in 2020 race long enough to remind Joe Biden he’s still running
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Bernie Sanders promised supporters he would remain in the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination as long as it…
Tech entrepreneur who started social media site for introverts goes bankrupt after no one joins
SILICON VALLEY, Calif. — A technology businessman has pulled the plug on a social media site he started for introverted people because he says…
NASA says probe it sent into black hole in 1979 has reappeared in Detroit
GREENBELT, Md. — Deep space officials at NASA were shocked when a star probe the agency sent into a massive black hole 40 years…
AOC uses computer anti-virus CD to develop breakthrough COVID-19 mask
BRONX, N.Y. — Fed up with waiting for the Trump administration to come up with a plan to combat the dreaded coronavirus, Rep. Alexandria…
White House scientists identify Nancy Pelosi as the source of the coronavirus outbreak
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House medical officials and researchers made a startling discovery today regarding the original source of the coronavirus — House Speaker…
MSNBC fires Pinocchio from fact-checking role after he reveals network is seldom right
NEW YORK — MSNBC has dismissed Pinocchio from his role as news fact-checker after his nose accidentally revealed the network’s chronic inability to get…