Entertainment/US News

Milking cows tell Joaquin Phoenix to ‘bugger off’ in bid to remain relevant

GREENLEAF, WI — Dairy cows throughout the upper midwest pushed back against comments made by actor Joaquin Phoenix at the Academy Awards in Los Angeles on Sunday, telling him his comments are detrimental to their livelihood.

“I think we’ve become very disconnected from the natural world. … We feel entitled to artificially inseminate a cow, and then we take her baby. … Then we take her milk and put it in our coffee and our cereal,” Phoenix said as he accepted the Best Actor award for the movie “Joker.”

That comment didn’t sit well in this corner of dairy country.

“He needs to just stick to the business of acting and stop trying to pretend he speaks for us dairy cows,” said one milker bovine who only went by the name “Bessie.” “We know what our role is, does he know his?”

Another cow who called herself “Trixie” said she agreed with her friend.

“Look, ain’t like we can all strut off to Hollywood and make millions of dollars memorizing lines in a film,” Trixie said. “We’re born what we are, and we’re milkin’ cows. That’s our life. It’s our livelihood. Without it, we got nothing. He should just bugger off!”

Still another bovine spoke up. “What’s gonna happen to us if the humans listen to this ‘actor?'” said a milker known as “Betty Lou.” “If people don’t buy and drink milk, I know what happens to us, and it ain’t pretty.”

To a cow, the milkers all said they would never tell people to stop seeing movies.

“That’d just be mean,” Bessie said.

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