WASHINGTON, D.C. — A protester accused of assaulting a federal agent with a Subway sandwich entered an unusual plea Tuesday, telling the judge he was “not guilty — and also not hungry.” According to prosecutors, 32-year-old Trevor “Toasty” McConnell hurled a half-eaten Italian B.M.T. at an agent during a demonstration outside a federal building last month. Authorities say the sandwich struck the agent “squarely in the badge area,” leaving a visible streak of chipotle mayo and what appeared to be a single olive. McConnell, representing himself in court, argued that the airborne sandwich was “a political statement, not a lunch-based…
Author: Sandra D
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi set off yet another political firestorm Monday after declaring that Donald Trump was “the worst thing on Earth,” a claim immediately disputed by millions of commuters stuck on I-395 during rush hour. Pelosi made the remark during a CNN interview, reportedly after being asked to name her top three global threats. “Donald Trump, carbon emissions, and people who clap when the plane lands,” she replied confidently. The statement drew swift reaction online, with conservatives flooding social media to point out that Pelosi has apparently never experienced D.C. traffic, the DMV, or a…
JACKSON HOLE, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney, the man once described as “Darth Vader with a hunting license,” died Sunday at age 84. While condolences poured in from political allies and defense contractors alike, many Republicans reportedly had just one response: “He gave us Liz. We’re still not over it.” GOP strategists gathered Monday to reflect on Cheney’s complicated legacy — a man who helped reshape American foreign policy, redefined executive power, and, in what some call his “gravest misstep,” produced a daughter who became MSNBC’s Employee of the Month. “Look, the Iraq thing we could forgive,” said…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former National Security Advisor John Bolton pleaded not guilty Friday to 18 felony counts of mishandling classified information, insisting that the so-called “government secrets” he shared were “basically public knowledge if you hang out with the right think tank crowd.” “I didn’t leak anything,” Bolton told reporters outside the courthouse, adjusting his mustache as if it were his attorney. “I just gave context. Everyone already knew that stuff — probably. I mean, you’d have to be an idiot not to know about the covert operation in… uh, never mind.” Prosecutors allege that Bolton unlawfully retained and transmitted…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After more than two weeks of gridlock and finger-pointing, congressional Democrats are now demanding that former President Donald Trump personally attend shutdown negotiations, citing “a deep, nostalgic yearning” to yell at him face-to-face. “We just miss the energy,” confessed Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, clutching a stress ball shaped like Trump’s head. “Yelling at Republicans isn’t the same. When you yelled at Trump, it meant something. It was art.” Sources inside the Capitol say the idea came during a closed-door strategy session when Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez suggested “summoning Trump” to spice things up. “This isn’t about solving…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what lawmakers are calling “an important step toward accountability, and also a little bit of revenge,” House Republicans have formally invited former Trump prosecutor Jack Smith to testify before Congress — primarily to explain why he prosecuted the former president “so rudely.” “This isn’t about politics,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), smiling like a man who had been waiting for this moment his whole life. “It’s about basic manners. You can’t just indict a president without saying ‘please.’” According to a leaked draft of the invitation, Smith will be asked to clarify “why his tone was…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Senate reached a historic milestone Thursday as the government shutdown entered its 10th consecutive day, officially breaking the chamber’s long-standing record for “most consecutive days of doing absolutely nothing.” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer proudly announced the achievement at a press conference, saying, “It’s not easy maintaining this level of gridlock. It takes real effort to get 100 people to agree on doing nothing for this long.” Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) offered bipartisan praise for the dysfunction. “We may disagree on everything else,” Thune said, “but when it comes to wasting taxpayer money…
BUDAPEST — In what’s being billed as the “World Peace Invitational (and maybe a back-nine scramble),” former President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin are set to meet in Budapest this weekend to “talk about peace, prosperity, and probably a few fairways.” According to Trump, the meeting will be “very productive, very beautiful, and possibly the best diplomatic golf deal in history.” He added, “Putin’s a strong golfer — people don’t know that — but he cheats less than Biden, that’s for sure.” Putin, for his part, said through an interpreter that he looks forward to the “peace talks,”…
LUCKY SPRINGS, TX — The small town of Lucky Springs is at the center of a First Amendment firestorm after city officials unveiled a controversial new policy requiring residents to pay a $500 “Freedom Fee” before holding any public protest. Town officials insist the measure is not meant to limit free speech — just to make it more “exclusive.” “We’re not restricting anyone’s rights,” said Mayor Clint Dobson, adjusting his American flag bolo tie. “We’re simply adding a premium package option. Think of it like Netflix, but for democracy.” According to the ordinance, the fee will cover the “administrative costs”…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the government shutdown drags into its 13th day, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle proudly confirmed playing the “blame game” remains the strongest bipartisan tradition in the nation’s capital. Speaking from the steps of the Capitol, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) declared, “This shutdown is entirely the Republicans’ fault — and I say that with the kind of conviction that only comes from someone who has voted against reopening the government six times in a row.” House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) quickly fired back, insisting the GOP “is united in its total lack of…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that “the era of taxpayer-funded crying is over,” President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that the first casualties of the ongoing government shutdown will be what he described as “Democrat agencies,” beginning with the Department of Feelings and Pronouns. “These are agencies nobody ever voted for, nobody ever wanted, and frankly nobody even knew existed,” Trump said from the White House briefing room, flanked by two MAGA hats and a cardboard cutout of Vice President J.D. Vance. “They spend billions every year on therapy llamas, safe spaces, and endless training sessions to figure out whether to call…
BALTIMORE—In a revelation that has sparked outrage among patient advocacy groups, a new report finds that many physicians harbor bias against severely obese patients, with some doctors admitting they can’t help but pass judgment when lab work comes back showing elevated cholesterol, high blood sugar, and, in rare cases, “visible flecks of Hidden Valley Ranch.” “Look, I know we’re supposed to treat everyone with compassion,” said Dr. Alan Meyers, a cardiologist interviewed for the study. “But when I draw blood and it smells faintly of Buffalo Wild Wings, it’s hard not to form an opinion.” The 87-page study documented numerous…
“If you laughed at Gary Busey trying to sell pizza on Fifth Avenue, you’re complicit.”
LOS ANGELES—Cassandra Peterson, better known as horror hostess Elvira, pushed back Monday against skeptical fans who assumed her upcoming cookbook was little more than a drunken stunt in paperback form. “This is a real cookbook, with actual recipes,” Peterson insisted at a book signing, holding up a copy of Elvira’s Ghoulish Gourmet. “I promise it’s not just me telling you to dump more vodka into whatever you’re making—though, to be fair, that’s step two in about 80 percent of the dishes.” Publishers confirmed the book contains more than 100 recipes, including “Boo-berry Pancakes,” “Coffin Casserole,” and “Blood Orange Margaritas That…
HOLLYWOOD—After years of speculation, 20th Century Studios confirmed Monday that the long-awaited second Simpsons movie will debut in 2027 as a 14-hour cinematic “mega-event” comprised almost entirely of flashbacks to the show’s first dozen seasons. Producers insist the marathon film, which will run continuously from noon until 2 a.m. with no bathroom breaks, is “the only way to do justice to the golden age of The Simpsons.” “People don’t want new jokes, they want to remember old ones, over and over, in Dolby surround sound,” said showrunner Al Jean while unveiling a trailer that was just the Stonecutters episode replayed…
In a development that stunned diplomats and real estate agents alike, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu agreed Monday to a U.S.-brokered peace plan for Gaza after former President Donald Trump vowed to christen a proposed settlement “Mar-a-Lago West.” According to sources present at the meeting, Netanyahu initially balked at the terms of the agreement—until Trump produced a mocked-up brochure featuring artist renderings of “luxury villas with commanding views of strategic choke points” and “the finest golden façades this side of Palm Beach.” “Israelis deserve peace, Palestinians deserve peace, and frankly, I deserve a beachfront resort where my face is on…
In a resolution equal parts legal closure and late-night promotional stunt, Rudy Giuliani and voting-technology firm Dominion agreed Tuesday to settle their long-running defamation fight for a confidential sum and announced an audacious plan to defuse public curiosity: a nationwide guessing contest. “We wanted transparency where transparency was least appropriate,” Giuliani said in a statement issued through a spokesperson who also handled his tie. “So we’re letting the people weigh in. It’s democracy, but with prize money. Very American.” Under terms signed off by a federal judge and a compliance officer whose job description now apparently includes event planning, members…
QUANTICO, VA — President Trump is set to address a hastily called summit of hundreds of senior military officers this afternoon, assuring assembled brass that he’s fully up to speed on modern warfare after “thoroughly” studying the subject via two very informative documentaries he streamed over the weekend, White House aides confirmed. “I’ve watched documentaries — two of them — and they were fantastic,” Trump said in a preview to reporters, brandishing a remote control as though it were a briefing pointer. “One had a lot of explosions, and the other had a guy who really knew how to flex.…
Insisting he had finally found the perfect solution to the looming government shutdown, President Donald Trump announced Sunday that every furloughed federal employee would be assigned a mandatory side hustle delivering food for Uber Eats. “The government can’t pay them, but Uber can,” Trump said proudly while holding up a laminated flowchart titled ‘How America Works Now.’ “You order a burger, a TSA agent brings it. You order sushi, maybe the guy who runs the IRS shows up. Everybody wins. Tremendous idea.” Administration officials confirmed the program, dubbed Operation Side Hustle, will go into effect immediately. Employees will be given…
In what officials are delicately calling “a brisket-related misunderstanding,” President Donald Trump ordered troop deployments to Memphis and Portland on Thursday after reportedly confusing both cities with competing barbecue chains. “The President received an intelligence briefing about unrest in Memphis and Portland, and he said, ‘Send in the troops — nobody outsmokes me at barbecue,’” explained one bewildered Pentagon aide. “We tried to clarify these were actual cities, not restaurants. He just said, ‘Doesn’t matter. Either way, we’ll win the meat war.’” Trump, speaking from the Oval Office surrounded by stacks of ribs, doubled down on the decision. “Memphis, Portland…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The FBI announced Friday that more than a dozen agents photographed kneeling during a 2020 Black Lives Matter protest have been formally dismissed, citing what officials called a “fundamental misunderstanding of Bureau-approved kneeling techniques.” “Agents are absolutely permitted to kneel,” said FBI spokesperson Brent Halvorsen, reading from a memo titled Proper Posture for Public Order. “But Bureau policy is very clear: the knee must be placed directly on the suspect’s upper thoracic region, not gently on the ground in solidarity with protesters. We don’t make the rules — actually, we do, and this is one of them.”…