In what officials are delicately calling “a brisket-related misunderstanding,” President Donald Trump ordered troop deployments to Memphis and Portland on Thursday after reportedly confusing both cities with competing barbecue chains.
“The President received an intelligence briefing about unrest in Memphis and Portland, and he said, ‘Send in the troops — nobody outsmokes me at barbecue,’” explained one bewildered Pentagon aide. “We tried to clarify these were actual cities, not restaurants. He just said, ‘Doesn’t matter. Either way, we’ll win the meat war.’”
Trump, speaking from the Oval Office surrounded by stacks of ribs, doubled down on the decision.
“Memphis, Portland — they think they can beat Trump BBQ? Wrong! We’ve got the best troops, the best sauces, the best smoke pits. Everyone’s saying it. We’ll take those cities, and we’ll take their recipes too.”
Generals have struggled to craft mission objectives. “Are we securing supply lines or catering lines? We’re still not sure,” admitted Gen. Frank McKenzie. “One unit was told to prepare for crowd control, another was told to prepare for a chili cook-off. Honestly, morale is high, but cholesterol is higher.”
Meanwhile, Memphis residents expressed confusion. “I came outside and there were tanks parked outside my local rib shack,” said lifelong resident Tyrone Collins. “One soldier asked me if I knew whether ‘Portland Style Pulled Pork’ was vinegar-based or mustard-based. I told him, ‘Dude, that’s a city, not a flavor.’”
Portland residents were equally baffled. “The troops said they were here to defend Trump’s title as ‘King of the Pit,’” said local food cart owner Marisol Hernandez. “Then they asked me if tofu brisket was a war crime.”
