WASHINGTON, D.C.—Escalating his rhetoric against anyone connected to former President Donald Trump, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) announced Monday that retribution would not be limited to Trump’s aides and advisers but would extend to “every single American who ever tuned in to The Apprentice even once.”
“If you laughed at Gary Busey trying to sell pizza on Fifth Avenue, you’re complicit,” Swalwell declared at a press conference while holding up a stack of VHS tapes as evidence. “Justice will be served, whether you were a cabinet secretary or just a guy in Iowa who thought Omarosa was entertaining in 2004.”
Swalwell laid out a sweeping plan for accountability, which includes:
- A congressional subpoena for Mark Burnett’s TiVo machine.
- Mandatory re-education camps where former Apprentice viewers must watch 72 straight hours of Rachel Maddow.
- A public registry for anyone who ever said “You’re fired” as a joke.
The California congressman stopped short of outlining punishments for Americans who bought Trump Steaks or dabbled in Trump University, but he hinted that “no MAGA-adjacent purchase is off the table.”
When asked about due process, Swalwell assured reporters that his team is already reviewing Nielsen ratings, DVD sales, and “sketchy Blockbuster rental records” to build a case.
“Accountability means accountability,” Swalwell said. “If you ever rooted for Penn Jillette over Trace Adkins in Season 6, consider this your last warning.”
