QUANTICO, VA — President Trump is set to address a hastily called summit of hundreds of senior military officers this afternoon, assuring assembled brass that he’s fully up to speed on modern warfare after “thoroughly” studying the subject via two very informative documentaries he streamed over the weekend, White House aides confirmed.
“I’ve watched documentaries — two of them — and they were fantastic,” Trump said in a preview to reporters, brandishing a remote control as though it were a briefing pointer. “One had a lot of explosions, and the other had a guy who really knew how to flex. After that, I know war. I understand the angles. I understand the vibes.”
According to sources inside the Pentagon, the president’s remarks will include a detailed timeline of insights gleaned from the viewings, including a proposed new doctrine he’s tentatively calling Shock-and-Awe, But Make It Streamlined™. The doctrine reportedly draws on a crucial scene from one documentary in which an actor dramatically yells, followed by a montage with dramatic music.
“We’re grateful for the president’s initiative,” said one four-star general, who asked to remain unnamed because he could not reconcile the word “initiative” with a 52-slide PowerPoint titled “War: The Rematch”. “There’s a lot of enthusiasm in the room. Also… snacks.”
“I think he totally gets it,” added a White House adviser. “He understands supply lines—because you can order anything online now—and he’s a tremendous believer in moral clarity, which he defines as whoever gets more followers on the ground.”
As part of the meeting, attendees will reportedly be presented with commemorative popcorn buckets and a certificate attesting they watched the full transcript of the president’s notes.
