Insisting he had finally found the perfect solution to the looming government shutdown, President Donald Trump announced Sunday that every furloughed federal employee would be assigned a mandatory side hustle delivering food for Uber Eats.
“The government can’t pay them, but Uber can,” Trump said proudly while holding up a laminated flowchart titled ‘How America Works Now.’ “You order a burger, a TSA agent brings it. You order sushi, maybe the guy who runs the IRS shows up. Everybody wins. Tremendous idea.”
Administration officials confirmed the program, dubbed Operation Side Hustle, will go into effect immediately. Employees will be given official White House–branded insulated delivery bags and an app preloaded onto their government-issued phones.
“Look, a lot of these federal workers were just sitting around during past shutdowns, binge-watching Netflix,” said White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow. “Now they’ll be doing something productive, like weaving through traffic on a scooter to deliver Taco Bell. It’s the free market in action.”
Some lawmakers expressed skepticism about the plan.
“We’ve got federal air traffic controllers now expected to bring me chicken tikka masala at 2 a.m.?” asked Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “This is insane. Although, if they can keep the naan warm, maybe it’s worth a try.”
Trump brushed off criticism, insisting the plan would boost morale.
“People are saying, ‘Sir, I don’t want to drive around with strangers’ food in my car.’ And I say, ‘That’s called patriotism,’” Trump explained. “Besides, I tip very generously — sometimes five, sometimes six dollars. No president has ever tipped better.”
At press time, sources reported the National Park Service had already been spotted handing out Panda Express orders on the National Mall, while the FBI launched an investigation into which agent ate the fries out of a customer’s McDonald’s bag.
