In a shocking yet oddly comfortable twist, the Department of Justice announced Thursday that former FBI Director James Comey has been indicted on charges of making false statements and obstructing a congressional proceeding. To soften the blow, DOJ officials confirmed that a complimentary memory foam pillow will be provided for his upcoming testimony. “Mr. Comey has a history of leaning back in his chair and claiming he doesn’t ‘recall,’” joked DOJ spokesperson Frank Pillowman. “We figured we’d make it official this time. At least he’ll be comfortable while pretending not to remember authorizing leaks.” Comey, who previously described his time…
Author: Sandra D
The Justice Department announced Thursday it has filed lawsuits against six states demanding immediate access to their voter registration lists, clarifying that the action has nothing to do with election security and everything to do with “finding out which Americans are still rocking embarrassing middle names.” “Let’s be honest — national security is important, but have you seen how many people are named ‘Eugene’ in their thirties?” said DOJ spokesperson Martin Phillips, holding up a printout of sample data that included ‘Brandon Chadworth McGillicutty IV’. “The American people deserve transparency. And also, a good laugh.” According to court filings, DOJ…
“Let’s be honest — national security is important, but have you seen how many people are named ‘Eugene’ in their thirties?”
Comey has a history of leaning back in his chair and claiming he doesn’t ‘recall.’
“I’ve been to the Vegan Potluck. The only thing violent there was the lentil loaf.”
“Look, we’re making great progress,” said one unnamed DOJ source.
Waters went on to accuse Republicans of racism.
“Look, it’s become clear by now that ‘the other guy’ is running a far better campaign.”
“Doug’s been kind of a butthead these past few months when I don’t get home at a time he thinks I should.”
“I don’t know if President Biden will ever forgive her, that is, if we decide to tell him.”
“”The purpose of this trial, as we believed everyone involved understood it, was not the pursuit of justice.”
“No way a court will uphold this!”
“I wanted to do it last year.”
“You know that feeling you get when your eyes are bigger than your stomach?”
“I don’t know how much clearer the Russian collusion can get at this point.”
“I got to think of my long-term health and future!”
“Do I have to spell it out for you?”
“Look, it’s hard on her, okay?”
“The first thing you have to do if you’re in my position is to believe in yourself.”
“And it was also my idea to make him a ‘mild-mannered shoeshine boy.'”
“She told me she had heard that Joey does some ‘funny things.'”