The Justice Department announced Thursday it has filed lawsuits against six states demanding immediate access to their voter registration lists, clarifying that the action has nothing to do with election security and everything to do with “finding out which Americans are still rocking embarrassing middle names.”
“Let’s be honest — national security is important, but have you seen how many people are named ‘Eugene’ in their thirties?” said DOJ spokesperson Martin Phillips, holding up a printout of sample data that included ‘Brandon Chadworth McGillicutty IV’. “The American people deserve transparency. And also, a good laugh.”
According to court filings, DOJ attorneys requested “complete, unredacted” voter rolls, citing an urgent need to verify how many registered voters have middle names like ‘Gaylord,’ ‘Precious,’ or ‘Danger.’
“Frankly, we’re tired of doing this the hard way — through TSA manifests,” added Assistant Attorney General Claire Martinez. “This is about efficiency. And also about finding out how many women in North Carolina are still named ‘Bertha.’”
State officials pushed back, accusing the federal government of overreach. “We don’t need the DOJ mocking the fine people of Georgia just because their middle names are things like ‘Eustace’ or ‘Pearl,’” said Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, before quietly admitting that his own middle name is ‘Cornelius.’
Civil liberties groups, meanwhile, have raised concerns about the move. “Today it’s mocking middle names. Tomorrow it’s mocking bad AOL email addresses from the 2000s,” warned ACLU attorney Rachel Danner. “Where does it end?”
