In a shocking yet oddly comfortable twist, the Department of Justice announced Thursday that former FBI Director James Comey has been indicted on charges of making false statements and obstructing a congressional proceeding.
To soften the blow, DOJ officials confirmed that a complimentary memory foam pillow will be provided for his upcoming testimony.
“Mr. Comey has a history of leaning back in his chair and claiming he doesn’t ‘recall,’” joked DOJ spokesperson Frank Pillowman. “We figured we’d make it official this time. At least he’ll be comfortable while pretending not to remember authorizing leaks.”
Comey, who previously described his time in Washington as “higher loyalty,” issued a brief statement outside his Virginia home. “This is political theater. The pillow is a trap. I will not be silenced, but I will be well-rested,” he said, clutching a neck roll branded with the FBI logo.
President Donald Trump couldn’t resist weighing in. “Comey finally got caught. I always said he was lying. Everybody knew it. Now he’s got his little pillow to cry into. SAD!” Trump posted on Truth Social, before suggesting the DOJ sell “Lock Him Up” blankets on the side.
