NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. — A radical climate change activist has decided to end her crusade of trying to convince everyone that humans are destroying the planet and should “get off now” after years of being wrong about the end of life as we know it.
“It took me awhile, I’ll admit, but gosh, it’s finally dawned on me that, like, maybe all of my doom-and-gloom predictions were never going to come true,” said Sandy Dahlmeyer, former regional director for the Sierra Club.
“What a Debbie Downer I was all of those years!” she exclaimed, jumping for joy at her newfound freedom to live guilt-free and without worrying about using a plastic straw in her double-banana cream latte.
“I mean, like, life is way too short to always be predicting that life’s too short, man, especially when the people who keep saying the world’s gonna end in a few years have been wrong, wrong, wrong,” Dahlmeyer said.
Asked what he planned to do next, Dahlmeyer was adamant.
“I’m going to go try and get all my friends back,” she pledged. “They all, like, sort of abandoned me after I kept screaming at them to stop driving cars, wearing manufactured clothing, and eating out.
“The few friends I had left walked away after I told them they had to give up their homes and come live with me in the woods in order to — get this — ‘save the planet,'” she said using air quotes.
“‘Climate change.’ How dumb. Isn’t, like, the climate always changing?” she chuckled.