NEW YORK CITY — The head of Microsoft admitted Friday that leading Democratic presidential candidate and socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders is correct: Corporate America fat cats like him are a menace to society and should be taxed into oblivion.
“I know I’ve sinned all these years by profiting massively from a world-changing invention I created, the ‘personal computer,’ and I’m willing to make up for it now,” Microsoft founder Bill Gates said as he prepared to write the U.S. Treasury a check for every last dime to his name.
“Bernie Sanders, that wonderful, blessed man, has opened my eyes. Melinda and I won’t be living ‘high on the hog’ anymore. It really is true what they say about all of these billions I’ve worked 23-hour days all these years to earn: ‘Can’t take it with you,'” said Gates.
“I live too darned well!” he exclaimed, pledging that the massive profits that continue to pour into his bank accounts will simply be redirected to the government.
For decades after founding Microsoft, Gates said he lived under the mistaken capitalist belief that developing something so massively important to the technological advancement of humankind should be profitable.
“Who thinks like that?” he told reporters. “I mean, gosh, what a selfish so-and-so I’ve been!”
Gates is urging other titans of industry to follow his lead and stop profiting off of their incredibly helpful, useful products.
“There is no real joy in making something so vital to the function of society, only to hold it hostage to a buck,” Gates said. “Bernie Sanders is right. Only leaders like him deserve to be well off. After all, they are so much more important than we are!”
Asked how he and Melinda will live after they are penniless, Gates sounded confident.
“Bernie will take care of us. After all, he promised!”