EPA to order mandatory Bean-O for all chili cook-offs following series of flatulence attacks

"No one deserves to go out that way"

OKLAHOMA CITY — The EPA is set to issue sweeping new regulations aimed at curbing unwanted flatulence attacks at popular chili cook-offs as incidents increase ahead of the 2020 season.

Under the authority of the Clean Air Act, the EPA’s new regulations are expected to mandate that ample supplies of Bean-O are to be kept on-hand by event organizers, or face risk of being forced by government agents to endure dutch ovens with contest winners for failure to comply.

Randall Tucker, director of the EPA’s southwest office, noted that the agency has been considering implementing what has become known as the “Bean-O Rule” for a number of years.

“You know, as competition ramps up at these cook-offs, the chili is becoming stronger and more, shall we say, powerful,” Tucker said. “Regulations are the only way we can ensure that participants and spectators remain safe and secure from the guy who tries to sneak one off under a cough at the contest sampling table.”

Tucker noted that because of the more powerful chili recipes being developed, it has led to a series of flatulence overdoses that he said were as unnecessary as they were grotesque.

“No one deserves to go out that way,” he said, recalling an incident during a cook-off a few years ago when he was caught inside a hotel elevator with a finalist.

“This guy was peeling paint off the walls,” Tucker said. “I barely escaped with my life.”

The Bean-O rule is expected to take effect immediately, EPA officials said, though they expect lawsuits.

“There’s always someone out there that believes in an inherent right to gas people to death at these events,” Tucker said. “But we think the courts will come down on our side, especially if we get a judge who’s been victimized by one of the ‘one cheek sneak’ guys in an elevator or something.”

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